thought fillers and time killers

Dar Williams:
“Help me know, four years from now
I won’t believe in you anyhow
and I’ll mope around the campus
and I’ll feel betrayed
all those guilty summers I stayed
But then I’ll laugh
that I fell for the lure
of the pain of desire to feel so pure
and I’ll bear of the burdens
of my little daily crimes
Wish I had a God for such cynical times
far from today”

I’m sitting here, drinking coffee, doing work, playing Farmville, making shopping lists, listening to these 3 gentlemen talk about God, Jesus, the journey of life, how Jesus is an expert on everything, sharing God’s love…

When did I become so cynical? Why is it all making me chuckle?

sometimes i have to stop and think…

these little furry creatures are so beautiful. they are always loving, always cute, always funny, and i am so lucky that they are in my daily life.


they make my life so much better, so much fuller.

Seriously. Not since Buffy have I been this eager and excited for a mere television show. Yes, my sometimes ridiculous television obsessions have gotten me watching Grey’s Anatomy religiously, spending my hard earned money on the entire Sex and the City collection, and begging for birthday and holiday gifts to finish off my Buffy series.

But seriously.

GLEE is so fun, so clever… I was laughing out loud. The music is actually GOOD; the people are TALENTED! Thank you television for finally appealing to me with something NEW for the first time in YEARS!

…Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting…

Thanks Dr. Seuss. His is the Waiting Place. Mine is the waiting game.

I had the best weekend.

My best friend from college came to visit with lovely husband and gorgeous baby in tow. We ate amazing food, thanks to the organic chef couple. The tot gave me endless smiles as she chased around the 3 D-U cats, squealing endlessly. I got to witness new words getting filed in the Rolodex of a child brain.

My gal and I went out for wine and dessert. We told stories, gave advice, revealed secrets, and laughed for hours. It was just what I needed. I felt 20 again. And boy, oh, that was a long time ago!

Saturday night ended with hours gazing up at the most beautiful starry sky. Glorious.

7/5/09
It took us five hours to go north of Minneapolis. It’s only a two hour drive from home! It’s been a tense, stressful day instead of a fun, carefree, exciting one like I hoped for my first day of vacation. I think fish jerky is a joke. One of those things someone tells you to “pick up” so they can giggle behind your back when you go from coop to organic market to hippie basement on a wild goose chase for something that doesn’t exist – like a buffalo with wings.

And bear bells. I didn’t even look for those because that can’t be for real…

On our packing list, our preparation guide listed food/leeches. FOOD/LEECHES. I’m scared enough after Stand By Me to go in any non-chlorinated, non-cement lined body of water. Now I have to pack the leeches with my food? No, I like those little, feathery yellow fish hook things instead. That’ll do just fine!

We had fabulous pizza at Sven and Ole’s, drove even further north, and stayed overnight in a bunk house to prepare for the big day of canoeing, portaging, and camp set up!

Day 1
Big breakfast at the Trail Center. Tempted to canoe out every morning this week to eat the world’d largest pancakes (eat three, get them free.)

Bumper stickers lined the bar stools of the restaurant:
Urban sprawl: cutting down all the trees, then naming streets after them.

From the menu: Trail Center: serving 30 to 500 people daily.

We loaded up the canoes and the guy at the outfitters was making fun of Jason and I because we put everything in garbage bags and covered it with a tarp. Of course it was funny because we hit the first portage after being in the water for like ten minutes, so we had to take everything out and hike with it. Well, tarps and garbage bags aren’t conducive to easy hiking. Next time I’m going to risk having a wet sleeping bag and pack for convenient hiking.

After scouting a couple places, we found a good spot for us.

The day was spent setting up camp, four college graduates trying to figure out where and how to hang a bear bag from a tree. We ended up hanging all our food in multiple wet bags named Lucy, Janson, and Moose.

I figured out that camping isn’t really just time to relax and be bored. At home, you waste time: watching TV, using the computer, working, cleaning – occasionally you spend a few minutes to make a quick dinner. Out here you spend all your time on food. Get it down from the tree, unpack, start a fire, filter the water, boil the water, cook the food, eat the food, pack the food, wash the dishes, hike, rehang the food. Snacking is not so easy when you have to hang all your food in a tree all day and night. “I really feel like some trail mix…oh…wait…it would take me fifteen minutes to hike, untie that rope, lower the bag, find the mix, repack the bag, tighten and tie the rope. Kitchen cupboards are far too convenient.

Day 2
Slept well. Cool morning. Oatmeal never tasted so good.

We had a great day out on the water, canoeing. We went to Horseshoe Lake where there had been bear sitings yesterday. Instead, we saw two loons and two moose!


We sat and watched a female moose for a long time in the water. Then suddenly we looked over, and within throwing distance, was a baby! The mama got out of the water and came closer to us. We’d been so careful not to get too close, and all the time we were close to the baby! We stopped for lunch at a cool picnic spot, gathered a lot of wood, and came home.

We collected a lot of water, made a great dinner of lentils, rice, potatoes, tea, cocoa – good stuff.

Day 3
We stayed at the camp all day. Sun, reading, snacking, games, swimming and bathing.

Hung a kitchen tarp. Better fire success. A swim in the lake with no leeches.

I’m cold now though. Gloves on.

Here’s the thing –

all day long at home when it’s nice, I think “I should go outside for a bit” -or- “I wish I could go outside.” But today, it was so nice to be outside, do everything outside and to know that’s how it is and to never once think, “I wish I were inside.”

Day 4 (this is the day Megan and I wrote a joint entry, swapping every other sentence.)
We slept in super late. Megan made the most AMAZING pot of coffee and oatmeal hotcakes for breakfast…it gave Stef gas. When we first went out in the canoes for our day trek, we saw a mama and following of baby loons (or ducks.) It was so windy today, I can’t believe we even decided to leave camp…Stef’s gas propelled her boat so they were ok; Pat and Megan had a hard time…again. Megan planned the route, pointing out we’d be taking the two “shortest portages we’ve taken yet,” but they were also super rocky, super skanky, full of millions of mosquitos, and sandwiched a swampy stream we had to then canoe through twice! Stef whined like a baby the whole way – “too many bugs, too skanky” – but she made it like a champ in her little purple crocs that match the color of this pen exactly…weird! We couldn’t stop and picnic on the planned island because stupid people already had a camp there, so we turned around to come home, Megan’s bottom lip getting bigger and bigger with every row as she pouted about not getting her way.

We came back, Stef and Jason stopped to gather wood – saw the hugest spider ever – came back to camp and ate lunch. It was super windy and very overcast so we spent the afternoon reading and sleeping in our tents. Everybody’s stinky farts and gas were running full steam ahead today!

We came out to make spaghetti dinner at seven. The wind had died down but then it rained for the first time on the trip. Not too bad though. We had hot drinks, played Uno, had more S’mores and hit the hay after watching the full moon rise.

We also had another loon and beaver sighting!

Day 5
We canoed again, and made it beyond the spot where we saw the moose on the beginning of the trip. We picnicked and came back to camp where we spent the rest of the day packing up and trying to eat all our food! A turtle circled our tent and then proceeded to lay her eggs right outside it.

Day 6
Our last day! We got up very early, packed up and canoed out. It was a very tough canoe. The wind was so strong, and we were rowing right into it. We were going over whitecaps, and it was even a little scary. But we made it, and it felt really to good to have survived and relaxed in the wilderness, away from technology, the real world, and with three of my favorite people in the whole world.

I always knew I was a nature girl. I just never fancied myself an outdoor adventure gal. Quite different things.

I may be learning.

But I think I’m loving it!

Inspired by my friend Kimberly’s lovely sound bite of the Lanesboro birds chirping outside her window at 4 am, I want to share my newest Lanesboro nature story…

Last night, my brother, sister-in-law, and I were riding bikes on the east bike trail. We stopped for a long while to watch a gorgeous blue heron standing so still in the middle of the river.

Then, *bam*, he dove into the water, flapped around, and came out with the most beautiful, big, flapping fish! Then he flew away. It was a spectacular sight! I felt lucky to have been a witness.

*Kill ‘em with kindness.
*This too shall pass.
*Don’t force yourself on someone else.
*Dear one…
*Slow down, you move too fast…
*An apology followed by “but” is not an apology.
*Don’t play games.
*Get some sleep.
*Be careful what you ask for.
*Don’t be a martyr.
*If you need to tell a secret, tell your mom.

A chilly walk in cushy soles
morphing into a languid balancing act
of lonely thoughts and dull wonder.

Heel to toe and moving forward
closer to destiny’s destination
and nearer to the next minute of unknown.

An empty ringing in my ears
is somehow less hopeless than
the same smiles failed to follow through
in the times I barely remember.

In the middle somehow
between then and soon
when I thought now was tomorrow
only to turn out that I skipped yesterday.